Is my relationship really a relationship?

If you’ve found yourself in one of those unbearable situations, where you lie awake at night wondering is my relationship really a relationship? I feel you. 

It also left me with some unhealthy scars and an inability to trust people.

I was frightened deep down that they didn’t care about me or that they would eventually abandon me.

So after I took some time to heal my inner self, I developed a six-pillar system for myself.

Do you listen to each other? It sounds basic I know but seriously this is so important.

Do you feel safe talking about things and can you communicate openly?

This one can be tough, we have all been hurt by love. Trust though should be mutual. If your partner gets jealous very easily this is not a good sign. If you feel jealous frequently this could indicate weak boundaries, insecurity and unhealed trauma. 

Do you make plans together?

This can be really damaging to your self-esteem if you stick around someone like this.

Does one of you spend a lot of time outside the relationship and one of you just stays at home?

Are they interested in what you’ve got to say?

A loving partner will love what you have to say. Someone that is invested in themselves will not like it when you feel good about yourself.

Do you do lots of healthy activities together? …. or is it drinking non-stop?

Sometimes when we have feelings for someone it can blind us to someone’s actions.

• Can you communicate openly and without judgement? Do you both have a voice? Or is there a power struggle for who is right?

• Do you trust each other and respect each other’s boundaries? Do you trust your partner? If you establish something as unacceptable to you, does your partner respect this?

• Do you make time for each other and plan things together? Do you talk about a future and set goals together? Short term and long term? Are you excited about spending time together?

• Do you remember details about each other’s life? Are you interested in each other’s lives? Do you highlight the positives of each other lives? Or do they just talk about their crazy exes?

• Do you engage in healthy activities with each other? 

If you keep these six things in mind, it should help you make clearer decisions about who to let into your life.

One day maybe we’ll all have a world where we look after each other until then we can take care of ourselves.

Soph.