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When I started this blog, I’d just turned 30 and I decided to write a post about finding confidence within, in the hope I could inspire others, I called it a confident journey into the abyss (you can read there here). I talked about my personal journey with low self-esteem and described it as a battle.
My younger self really struggled with shape, size, personality and hidden mirrors within myself. Such as exhibitionism- I was brought up to be modest and that ‘showing off’ (i.e. taking selfies, dressing provocatively, even the way I like to dance) was wrong, like many women are, but this didn’t match my big personality at all. In fact, I think I was an extrovert brought up to be the opposite.
I was greatly confused by things such as identity, I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere and my body seemed out of proportion- to me at least. I was told I was beautiful but I never truly felt it. I was short, curvy and after having a child at 16 I really disliked my body.
But, then I turned 30, and I wrote my post turning 30 is a big deal (you can read that here). I also shared my birthday with you, in a creative writing piece about the transition from my 20s to 30s called a little storm in Alston (you can read that here). That was the start of a huge shift in attitude towards myself.
I’m so glad I started this blog when I did because I was able to write about my journey with body confidence. I’m a photographer, so a lot of my photography shares my feels. Sometimes art can say more than words.
“Art is a basic human right.”Efrat Cybulkiewicz
I explored my exhibitionism, body confidence and journey with self-love in posts such as Passion is only temporary after all, Love is blind by design and the culture of slut-shaming. I explored my vision for women.
Love will tear us apart, again
Last night, as a huge storm raged on outside, I was reminded about that night when I turned thirty and I thought about the changes within myself. Little Storm was also the nickname given to me by my father, the night I was born there was a huge storm outside, he used to joke and say that was why I was wild.
I realised that the knowledge of self that I had learned in the past year and a half had dramatically changed me.
I’m not going to lie, I still have bad days, days where I let myself down and act in ways I don’t think is right, days where I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see, but those days are fewer and further in between.
I spend most days, feeling blessed to be myself no matter how wacky, unique or strange I am. I enjoy standing out. I’m one of a kind and my beauty comes from within. What makes me attractive is my confidence and nothing else.
I have been on a tumultuous journey of self-love, littered with doubt and people that have crushed my confidence on the way. I’ve walked a deep and chaotic winding path inwards and have emerged from the other side glowing. I wear trauma like it’s fashionable, darling.
Confidence is all about perception
Turning thirty was a blessing and an adventure that I wouldn’t swap for the world. I have gained knowledge that I used to lack, I have accepted myself truly and I love being me. So this is me, myself and I, being 31 and at my happiest.
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