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I wrote a poem today about being a single parent. I’m not sure why but it’s been mulling in my mind for quite some time and it’s been a while since I shared a poem on this blog.
I shared my story about becoming a mother at sixteen last year, and I was a single parent for ten years so it’s something I know a lot about. One of the hardest things I went through this year was becoming a single parent again, except this time I had two children (to different fathers).
I went through emotional turmoil, it was difficult. I went through a range of emotions, anger, resentment, mourning, bitterness, anger again. It was like a tidal wave of emotion and it was uncomfortable, to say the least.
I’m not great at dealing with emotions so I really struggled to get through it. I can’t even begin to explain how disappointed I felt. While I love being a mother and my children dearly, the realisation that I now had to go through this situation again was dizzying and frustrating. Luckily, I like to create, so I put my emotions into my creativity and my blog.
While my creativity has been an amazing outlet for dealing with how I am feeling, my ability to create has been stifled at times. That sudden swelling of emotions consumed me and made me feel completely lost. Everything I’d spent planning for five years was gone in an instant and my daughter’s future suddenly seemed unsure and chaotic.
And the anger that came my way, was devastating. Anger from my ex-partner for giving up on our relationship, anger from his family and even acquaintances that judged my decision instead of supporting me. In truth, I know it was because they didn’t understand it, but it was the most awful experience of my life without all of their unhelpful comments on top of it.
Becoming a single parent the second time was considerably worse than the first time, and far worse than I remembered it. I was almost shocked by the anger I faced. It was like society had completely changed. I was suddenly being persecuted for making the hardest decision of my life.
Of course, I did it for myself, but my children also. I’ve written a whole host of posts on emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse and healing but in all honesty what started it all was a book that I was asked to review on this blog, called ‘healing from the shame you don’t deserve’ by Beverly Engel
It was actually my first piece of requested work and the book was so powerful it actually changed my life (yes, I would recommend it). If it wasn’t for this blog I’d still be stuck in that toxic cycle that made me totally miserable. It’s funny how things work out sometimes, isn’t it?
I still have days where I feel emptiness and sadness but those moments are fleeting now. I know that becoming a single mother again was the right choice, but it was a tough choice and it took all my strength to do it.
I wanted to write a poem that reflected the strength it takes to become a single parent because believe me it does. If you’re in a similar situation at the moment and you feel like the world is against you, just know that you are brave.
Anyway, thankfully I am not single any longer and I have some optimism back as I approach Christmas (thoughts on Omicron aside). Still, that unbearable pain I have felt, I thought deserved a poem.
There’s a Monster in my Closet
Sometimes, I’m not really that glamorous,
I’m just a mum that left all the parties behind,
I’ve met many people who were really unkind,
On most days I’m totally chill, but then,
The washer breaks and I reach my fucking limit,
And then I’m totally exhausted once again,
I am ambitious, but I’m broken most mornings,
I wake up yawning, to see the dawn in and I’m freezing,
Sometimes, I wonder if life has any meaning,
But I don’t want your pity, no, not at all,
I’ve got a monster in my closet, you see,
It’s blue and green and it looks after me,
I don’t ask for your help and don’t worry I’ll cope,
I’ve been a single mother for all of my adult life,
And I trusted in people who sold me a dream,
They showed me the meaning of screaming,
Into my pillow at night, it probably gave my kids,
A terrible fright, I don’t ask for much,
Just simply understand, I was much better off
Without that damn man, he yelled and shouted,
Sometimes he’d get lost for days, that’s when
The monster in my closet would come out to play,
I might just be a single parent who doesn’t have much,
But I’m proud that I’ve done what I can with minimal help,
I’ve faced lots of judgements, not all of them fair,
I’ve been slapped in the face more times than I can say,
and I’ve learned to never rely on others, they just let you down,
I’m tougher than you, haven’t you worked that out yet?
Or is it the monster in my closet? He’s raring to go,
Maybe he scares you and that’s why you judge?
One day, I might meet someone who understands,
Who changes my mind and shows me that,
There are people out there who are still really kind,
The kindness you’ve shown won’t be forgotten,
A single mother will never forget that feeling,
I might not be everybody’s cup of tea,
But that doesn’t give you the right to judge me.
Thanks for reading,