January is always a difficult month for me, last year in particular was so bleak, I was depressed, unhappy and miserable. I decided I needed a positivity project, so I started making electronic music and posting it on Soundcloud. Hey, it wasn’t great, but I really enjoyed making it, I wrote my post on a little album called space alchemy (you can read that here).
Although I stopped making music after a few months, it still filled me with happiness to try something new, I was kind of pleased that I tried to learn a new skill. I also ended up using one of the songs as the intro for my YouTube videos so it wasn’t a complete waste of time. I think having a positivity project is so good for you.
I’m fascinated by space so I made a song called planets and it kind of focused on the idea of magnetism and the powerful orbits of the planets. I found the shift between the planets and the way they dance around each other, both beautiful and terrifying – I’m also an avid follower of astrology, so I mixed some star sign stuff in there too.
Speaking of which, there’s a Mercury retrograde in Aquarius starting today, yay! I’m sure this one is going to get to me. I’m already more emotional than usual, distracted and distant…
I’ve been chasing my moody blues away with lots of music at the moment, dancing and learning about astrology (at least it’s not drinking). Maybe I need a new positivity project…
I woke up feeling so blue this morning and down in the dumps and I just knew I had to shake myself out of it. I guess that it is January, but these past two years have just been phenomenally difficult. I’m really trying to stay hopeful that this year will be better…
There’s been a lot of things that have got to me over the past couple of months, but mainly, it’s the barrage of insults that have come my way. It seems that turning your blog into a business comes with tonnes of scepticism. Just about everyone I know has had something to say about it, and I doubt if any of them have even read any of my content…
I’ve had everything from ‘oh, so you think you’re famous now,’ to ‘lose some weight,’ to ‘get off your fat arse and find some real work,’ to ‘that’s not actually a business idea,’ and finally ‘that’s soo embarrassing.’
It’s true, the last one at least, creativity is kind of embarrassing, at first. There is no right or wrong, you just kind of have to go for it and I definitely created some Instagram content/ blog posts and music in the beginning, that made me cringe later…
Still, all that negativity that can find you for choosing to be bold, sometimes, can really get you down. I wrote this poem earlier so thought I’d share it along with some photos of myself because you know, obviously, I’m famous.
The truth is I started photographing myself to get confident, to accept my flaws and face my insecurities. That was the whole point of this blog when I started it, to believe in myself, so I forgot that my blog was kind of a positivity project too.
In essence, I’ve realised that I have very few people around me who truly understand my vision, what I’m trying to achieve or even myself, but that’s okay because I believe in myself.
“Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.”― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart
I’ve often wondered as I gazed at the stars,
How many times I’ve fallen down,
And dimmed my shine to passersby,
Fearful of their piercing eyes,
A look of disgust or even mistrust,
In time, my shine became a sparkle,
Sometimes it shone when I was smiling,
But mostly it was just a dim flicker,
With my head in the clouds,
I walked on the ground to meet many,
They were hungry for that light,
And pleased me, to feed on me,
Then cast me away into the night,
I listened to their words of shame,
Eventually I walked away.
One day I hit rock bottom,
I couldn’t stand up, or move at all,
I simply lay where I’d fallen,
But in time, I began to heal and trust,
In my own ability and then my shine,
Began to pour from my heart once more,
My light it became awfully bright,
So bright it became a bit frightening,
I learned not to listen to my inner voice,
Or hurtful words that came my way,
I realised their darkness was their own reflection,
And let it pass me by quietly,
intuitively I felt it move behind me,
Because my light is there to heal,
The savage path I have walked in this life,
Has indeed taught me a great deal.
Don’t dim your light for anyone,
Be brave, be bold, make others shine,
Everything happens in divine timing,
Believe in yourself and keep smiling.
I took these photographs yesterday because I was blue and felt truly undesirable. I took them to show myself that it was all in my mind, and wrote that poem to work through my feels…
Well I’ve never prayed
But tonight I’m on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine,
Let it cleanse my mind,
I feel free now
But the airwaves are clean and there’s nobody singing to me nowThe Verve, Bitter Sweet Symphony
Dream while you’re awake with visions and songs.
Thanks for reading and supporting my blog!