We had the strawberry supermoon on the 12th of June in the big and bright house of Sagittarius. A time for self-reflection or in some cases self-destruction, for me it was an emotional one…
It got me questioning a lot in life, and being me I dug deep into knowledge I guess as a way to hide. But after I took some time out to recharge myself, I realised that sometimes you have to take a step back in life and take a break to regain focus. I know from experience that my writing is better this way.
So I started to research all sorts of things, from glass cutting, to the history of druids (there isn’t much), trauma in children and its link to creativity and self-healing techniques… I even started to learn some Italian and made some new music with my hubby-to-be, it was inspired by the TV series Utopia. You can listen to it here on Soundcloud if you’re interested.
But even after all of this, one question was prominent, burning in the forefront of my mind, why do we self-destruct? I covered self-sabotage recently in my post an eclipse of the mind, self-sabotage, failure is an illusion, which looked at the inner perfectionism and unachievable high standards, which inevitably lead to failure. But self-destruction is much deeper than this…
So what do I mean by self-destruction? Well, I’m talking about that inability to stay in control, whether it’s anger, addiction or accountability. We’re all capable of self-destruction, but some of us take this to extremes. Wildly untameable and complex, self-destruction is something I grew up around and later adopted in life.
I’ve written a variety of posts on addiction, such as escapism of equinox proportions, and some thoughts on alcoholism which I guess is part of self-destruction, but never something on self-destruction itself, so I thought I’d give it a go…
Ripe strawberries ready for picking
Named the strawberry moon because it was a time when strawberries were ripe and ready to harvest, the sweet fruit flourished just as the start of summer was beginning. The summer solstice is of course on the 21st of June. How I’ve longed for summer…
I’ve always loved nature and appreciated it, but I have never respected it enough to connect with the earth. To dig my hands in the soil and plant seedlings, bulbs and small plants beginning to grow. To take the time to water them and appreciated their ever-changing forms. To nurture and care for nature is a new string to my bow and something I am enjoying very much.
My garden was pretty desolate when I moved into my new home. I spent many hours decorating inside. I shared my post Carpet Diem and the meter squared matrix, about my battle with carpets. But outside, I just pushed to one side. I guess you could see this as a kind of metaphor for self-healing or shadow work. The shadow side, introspection and healing.
Only recently have I taken to landscaping my garden albeit it is small. Of course, I got a strawberry plant yesterday and seeing as we are basking under the strawberry moonlight, it only seemed right. Still, that ever-flowing and changing nature that seems to flow so effortlessly seems almost dreamy to me.
Perhaps my mind is lost in mysticism, but I almost envy how nature knows its place. Each stage is progressed naturally without any thought and I wonder sometimes, why human nature isn’t like this…
When a Flower Doesn’t Grow
I’ve often looked across the horizon,
And thought of hidden delights,
A sweet relief from the summer haze,
Or all of those unpleasant stares,
That make life so hard to bare,
Sometimes, I wish it all away,
But then, often when I wake,
To the roar of cars that skate over tarmac,
I see the world is only fake,
and wish for night to hide me from view,
And remove those things I wish I didn’t do.
Why do we self-destruct?
I guess we all have our reasons, trauma, expression, frustration, anger, pressure, autism, intelligence, genetics…
Most of us are systematically born into a world that is unnatural. From day one we see fluorescent lights and hear the glare of machinery. We are surrounded by radio waves and magnetic currents, all of which are invisible but there, a lot like gravity.
We are expected to fit into an artificial world, and for the younger generations, technology is abundantly the one in charge.
We learn to adapt and to fit in. We learn to ignore our impulses, follow the rules and obey instructions. And for many, they find pleasure in the comfortable. How good it feels to have a routine, to achieve and to know that everyday you are striving in the confounds of the world before you.
But not all of us are like this. Some of us see the world much differently. Perhaps we are perceived as difficult or we make people feel uncomfortable.
We’re rebels, or more unpleasantly outcasts, with an upside-down view of the world before us. We don’t fit into the mould and that makes us feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes the pain of not belonging can take hold, and take a bite, like a serpent with venom piercing the skin. Or a warm rush of hot poison flooding us with temporary relief, before unleashing ourselves on a path of destruction.
It’s easy to use justification, we numb our feeling with substances so why not lie to ourselves about how we are destructing. After all, that’s all we’ve ever been taught to do.
But then, after the storm passes we are left with the wake of our destruction and everything that we’ve left in our path, broken and shattered, but more importantly, every time you destruct, you push away the things that you love, and one day, you might wake to find they are gone for good…
Riders on the Storm
Perhaps the most destructive of all is the aftermath of self-destruction. Those feelings of sadness, despair, guilt and remorse.
What have I done now? Why did I do that? What will I do now? …
Sadly once it’s done, it’s so much easier to fall into the pattern of doing it again. We drink more to forget about what we have done, and then we ride on the wave of guilt and do more damage and so on…
Or we wake up feeling guilt, anger and self-hatred and we swallow those feelings, which only makes us want to self-destruct even more.
Once we have started down that path of self-destruction, it is a difficult one to stop. It becomes a tightrope of wanting to survive to feed your addiction so that you can stay numb and not wanting to survive anymore.
The more difficult we become to manage as people, the more we are viewed as monsters. The more pain and destruction we cause, the more we get used to people leaving us. The more abandonment we face the more we resent and the less we love. And finally, we want to give up…
The path of self-destruction is a difficult one, fraught with danger and lacking in compassion. Before we judge addiction, remember that some of us were put on this path. We faced trauma and had the weight of the world placed on us. We simply found a way to cope with it.
I read this beautiful thing about trauma healing the other day that said ‘trauma creates changes in you that you don’t choose, healing is a change in yourself that you can choose to do.’
The road to recovery is long. If you’re struggling with addiction, know that we all self-destruct from time to time. Don’t get lost in the fog of shame. Choose yourself instead. People make mistakes, swallow pride, apologise and take the time for self-reflection and healing, after all, isn’t that how we grow?
Love the light.